


I won't live for you, but i won't die either.

by SkarpetkaMroku



Category: Fallen Hero Series - Malin Rydén
Genre: Getting Together, Growth, M/M, No real suicide, Self-Acceptance, Suicide Attempt, suicide talks, they hold hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:41:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24043804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkarpetkaMroku/pseuds/SkarpetkaMroku
Summary: There is something that stuck with you. Like an itch under skin.“You’re not going to hurt anybody.” He thought that day kissing your thoughts away. “Maybe beside yourself.”Irritating and impossible to satisfy. You can’t help a shadow of annoyance that he know you so well. After all these years, after everything that changed – or rather mangled – you into shape you have today… You thought yourself a changed man. Something, somebody new. With new purpose, new ways, new ideals.Yet he seems to crack you open just with few conversations.
Relationships: Sidestep/Steel (Fallen Hero)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	I won't live for you, but i won't die either.

There is something that stuck with you. Like an itch under skin.

“You’re not going to hurt anybody.” He thought that day kissing your thoughts away. “Maybe beside yourself.”

Irritating and impossible to satisfy. You can’t help a shadow of annoyance that he know you so well. After all these years, after everything that changed – or rather mangled – you into shape you have today… You thought yourself a changed man. Something, somebody new. With new purpose, new ways, new ideals.

Yet he seems to crack you open just with few conversations.

 _Irritating_ , you think watching lazily Spoon’s zooming silhouette.

You remember back in your Sidestep’s days, playing games after games with him. And even though you amuse yourself, counting yourself as a tactician, you both almost always stuck in equal numbers. Observant, beyond your suspicious. He knew you. Knew your mannerism, knew your way of making decisions, knew your approach to danger.

It was all he needed to predict your moves.

And it seem he is still able to do that.

-I wasn’t going to kill myself. – you say at least. A sudden break of silence make Steel blink and side eye you with carefully blank face.

-No, you probably weren’t. – he agrees, in easy manner, correcting hat on his head. When he turns towards you – just slightly – its still with that blank face. You know what he is doing. Mirroring you. Both of you watch each other in concentration, trying to read each other.

Like in good old days.

-Stop living, then. – he corrects himself and you press your lips together. – Suicide is too personal for you, isn’t it? It’s not how you would like to be remember. Dissected for any kind of weakness, when in your mind it’s just a decision. You would go for something emotionless, something without need for revenge, without regret and violence. Unfortune accident, maybe? – he puts it out before you like a dealer cards in a casino, elegantly, but with no real interest. Yet somehow you can feel cold burn of this statement.

-Something that wouldn’t make us rage with need for retribution, something that media would just sum up saying ‘C'est la vie’.

Indictment.

Irritating.

-You put too much emotions into it, Wei. – you murmur don’t finding in yourself any strength to deny his accusations. – I have a purpose and after it I will be done. No need to prolong inevitable.

You shrug. Its so inelegant and you almost scowl realising it’s something you picked up from Herald.

-What would be left to do after everything is done if not rest?

-Rest. – repeats Chen mockingly and you can tell that it took an effort from him not to scowl at you. You hide a smile under your hand, pretending to play with your hair. You may have not changed so much, but so has he. – It’s a life. Life meant to be lived, not finished.

You tilt your head, considering that almost philosophical answer. It’s a nice statement, something to live by, almost. It ring so genuine on his lips, you don’t dare to say it’s not true – not entirely. Some lives are not meant to be lived, some lives are just meant to imitate.

-What changed?

You don’t know. The question surprise you enough to look at him directly and you cant help but get lost in his eyes. There is a question swimming in them. He looks down, his gaze on your lips is almost physical caress, almost a kiss in another sense, and then came back to your eyes.

You try, to stay from his thoughts but they taunt you with their proximity. They ask. Was it him? Was it this? This unnamed feeling between you?

You can't help scrunching your nose at him.

-Of course not. – you scoff, itching for a cigarette. – I am not desperate enough to build my life on success of one relationship. – you murmur irritated, even more when his lips rise slightly in soft smile. You weren’t going to live for him.

That would be like dangling over void on single threat of spider web.

Something that for sure would leave you falling down into abyss, and all you could be doing was waiting for it to break and leave you to darkness.

You weren’t going to die for him either.

Don’t look at me like this, you beg, but he do and you feel blush claiming your face.

He doesn’t even scowl you for reading his thought.

Fool, fool, fool, fool.

You or him, you don’t know.

-One – no, not for sure. But how about many? – he ask and you blink surprised. – Argent have already claimed you as a friend – well she would stab me before admitting that, of course. There is also Ortgea who would still be your friend even if you were the one to stab him. And then there is Herald…

-Shut up! – you hiss. You’re bad at that. At all these mushy, tingly things. Feelings of any kind. Makes you want to throw up, and you’re not sure if it’s good or if it’s bad.

You lack practise.

But you know it’s true what he implied. This single threat keeping you away from darkness, turned suddenly into string, into rope, into net. You haven’t even noticed when.

-You know its ok, right? – he say softly having mercy at you and breaking your linked gaze to watch Spoon.

Its ok. You know its ok! He doesn’t have to tell you!

Its just hard. It’s hard, but –

You don’t have to push people away.

You’re stronger, stronger than before.

You can have this.

 _No._ You can have this, even if you’re not strong enough.

 _I can have this_ , you think slowly reaching towards him. _Even if I am weak._

You put your hand slowly on top of his, stretched on the bench, almost awkwardly trying to slot your fingers through gapes between his.

So disgusting. So confusing. So weird. All this feelings, you think.

But its hard to remember that, when he let his fingers go, slowly enveloping yours in his grasp.

He smiles, and you sure as fuck hope not because of your red beat face.

 _This time_ , you think squeezing his hand in your, _This time I am goning to keep this_.

**Author's Note:**

> In the game, we got "i am not going to kill myself", but I feel like my sweet disaster boi would actually consider it in a detached emotionless way, so i wrote this.  
> Thanks for reading my dear, shrimps!  
> And if you want talk, [Here i am!](https://skarpetkamroku.tumblr.com)  
> 


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